The funny side of Engineering (esp. software engineering)

The following is a rather extensive list of jokes relating to engineers in general. Enjoy!

You walk into a room and notice that a picture is hanging crooked. You...

Straighten it.
Ignore it.
Buy a CAD system and spend the next six months designing a solar-powered, self-adjusting picture frame while often stating aloud your belief that the inventor of the nail was a total moron.

The correct answer is "3" but partial credit can be given to anybody who writes "It depends" in the margin of the test or simply blames the whole stupid thing on "Marketing."

SOCIAL SKILLS

Engineers have different objectives when it comes to social interaction.

"Normal" people expect to accomplish several unrealistic things from social interaction:
Stimulating and thought-provoking conversation.
Important social contacts.
A feeling of connectedness with other humans.

In contrast to "normal" people, engineers have rational objectives for social interactions:
Get it over with as soon as possible.
Avoid getting invited to something unpleasant.
Demonstrate mental superiority and mastery of all subjects.

FASCINATION WITH GADGETS

To the engineer, all matter in the universe can be placed into one of two categories: (1) things that need to be fixed, and (2) things that will need to be fixed after you've had a few minutes to play with them.
Engineers like to solve problems. If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own problems.
Normal people don't understand this concept; they believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
No engineer looks at a television remote control without wondering what it would take to turn it into a stun gun. No engineer can take a shower without wondering if some sort of Teflon coating would make showering unnecessary. To the engineer, the world is a toy box full of sub-optimized and feature-poor toys.

FASHION AND APPEARANCE

Clothes are the lowest priority for an engineer, assuming the basic thresholds for temperature and decency have been satisfied. If no appendages are freezing or sticking together, and if no genitalia or mammary glands are swinging around in plain view, then the objective of clothing has been met. Anything else is a waste.

DATING AND SOCIAL LIFE

Dating is never easy for engineers. A normal person will employ various indirect and duplicitous methods to create a false impression of attractiveness. Engineers are incapable of placing appearance above function.

Fortunately, engineers have an ace in the hole. They are widely recognized as superior marriage material: intelligent, dependable, employed, honest, and handy around the house. While it's true that many normal people would prefer not to date an engineer, most normal people harbor an intense desire to mate with them, thus producing engineer like children who will have high-paying jobs long before losing their virginity.

Male engineers reach their peak of sexual attractiveness later than normal men, becoming irresistible erotic dynamos in their mid thirties to late forties. Just look at these examples of sexually irresistible men in technical professions:

Bill Gates
MacGyver
Etcetera

Female engineers become irresistible at the age of consent and remain that way until about thirty minutes after their clinical death. Longer if it's a warm day.

HONESTY

Engineers are always honest in matters of technology and human relationships. That's why it's a good idea to keep engineers away from customers, romantic interests, and other people who can't handle the truth.

Engineers sometimes bend the truth to avoid work. They say things that sound like lies but technically are not because nobody could be expected to believe them. The complete list of engineer lies is listed below.

"I won't change anything without asking you first."
"I'll return your hard-to-find cable tomorrow."
"I have to have new equipment to do my job."
"I'm not jealous of your new computer."

FRUGALITY

Engineers are notoriously frugal. This is not because of cheapness or mean spirit; it is simply because every spending situation is simply a problem in optimization, meaning that, "How can I escape this situation while retaining the greatest amount of cash?"

POWERS OF CONCENTRATION

If there is one trait that best defines an engineer it is the ability to concentrate on one subject to the complete exclusion of everything else in the environment. This sometimes causes engineers to be pronounced dead prematurely.

Some funeral homes in high-tech areas have started checking resumes before processing the bodies. Anybody with a degree in electrical engineering or experience in computer programming is propped up in the lounge for a few days just to see if he or she snaps out of it.

RISK

Engineers hate risk. They try to eliminate it whenever they can. This is understandable, given that when an engineer makes one little mistake the media will treat it like it's a big deal or something.

Examples of bad press for engineers:

Hindenberg
Space Shuttle Challenger
SPANet(tm)
Hubble space telescope
Apollo 13
Titanic
Ford Pinto
Corvair

RISK/REWARD

The risk/reward calculation for engineers looks something like this:

RISK: Public humiliation and the death of thousands of innocent people.
REWARD: A certificate of appreciation in a handsome plastic frame.

Being practical people, engineers evaluate this balance of risks and rewards and decide that risk is not a good thing.
The best way to avoid risk is by advising that any activity is technically impossible for reasons that are far too complicated to explain.

If that approach is not sufficient to halt project, then the engineer will fall back to a second line of defense: "It's technically possible but it will cost too much."

EGO

Ego-wise, two things are important to engineers:
How smart they are.
How many cool devices they own.

The fastest way to get an engineer to solve a problem is to declare that the problem is unsolvable. No engineer can walk away from an unsolvable problem until it's solved. No illness or distraction is sufficient to get the engineer off the case. These types of challenges quickly become personal -- a battle between the engineer and the laws of nature.

Engineers will go without food and hygiene for days to solve a problem. (Other times just because they forgot.) And when they succeed in solving the problem they will experience an ego rush that is better than sex -- and I'm including the kind of sex where other people are involved.

Nothing is more threatening to the engineer than the suggestion that somebody has more technical skill. Normal people sometimes use that knowledge as a lever to extract more work from the engineer. When an engineer says that something can't be done (a code phrase that means it's not fun to do), some clever normal people have learned to glance at the engineer with a look of compassion and pity and say something along these lines: "I'll ask Bob to figure it out. He knows how to solve difficult technical problems." At that point it is a good idea for the normal person to not stand between the engineer and the problem. The engineer will set upon the problem like a starved Chihuahua on a pork chop.

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Engineering Terms

Top Engineering Terms and Expressions
(What engineers say versus what they mean)

1. A number of different approaches are being tried.
(We are still guessing at this point.)

2. Close project coordination.
(We sat down and had coffee together.)

3. An extensive report is being prepared on a fresh approach.
(We just hired three punk kids out of school.)

4. Major technological breakthrough!
(It works OK, but looks very hi-tech!)

5. Customer satisfaction is believed assured.
(We are so far behind schedule, that the customer will take anything.)

6. Preliminary operational tests were inconclusive.
(The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.)

7. Test results were extremely gratifying!
(Unbelievable, it actually worked!)

8. The entire concept will have to be abandoned.
(The only guy who understood the thing quit.)

9. It is in process.
(It is so wrapped in red tape that the situation is completely hopeless.)

10. We will look into it.
(Forget it! We have enough problems already.)

11. Please note and initial.
(Let's spread the responsibility for this.)

12. Give us the benefit of your thinking.
(We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere with
what we have already done or with what we are going to do.)

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The Train Ride

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all). When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip.

To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asked one perplexed accountant.

"Watch and you'll see," answered an engineer. When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.

Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."

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The Balloonist

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"

The man below said, "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," said the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's of absolutely no use to anyone."

The man below said, "You must be in management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."

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Wife or Mistress

An architect, an artist, and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.

The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.

The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like both."

"Both?" asked the architect and artist in unison.

The engineer replied, "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume that you are spending time with the other woman, so you can go to the office and get some work done."

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Engineering Patients

Five surgeons were taking a coffee break. The first surgeon said, "Accountants are the best to operate on because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second surgeon said, "Nah, librarians are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The third surgeon responded, "Try electricians, man! Everything inside them is color coded."

Then the fourth doctor interceded, "I prefer lawyers. They're heartless, spineless, gutless and their heads and their butts are interchangeable."

To which the fifth surgeon, who had been quietly listening to the conversation, replied, "I like engineers. They always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end."

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Three Freshman Engineers

Three freshman engineering students were sitting around one day arguing about who might've designed the human body.

The first one said, "It must've been a mechanical engineer. The human body has all those levers and pivots and stuff - a mechanical engineer must have designed all that."

The second one said, "No, it had to have been an electrical engineer. The complex way the nerves are wired up to the brain must have been designed by an electrical engineer."

Then the third one said, "No, it was a civil engineer. Who else would have run a waste water line through a recreational area?"

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Engineer and His Dog

Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, and the fourth man was a Government Worker.

To show off, the Engineer called to his dog. "T-Square, do your stuff." T-Square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen, and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Slide Rule, do your stuff." Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good.

The Government Worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, shit on the paper, sexually assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Worker's Compensation, and went home on sick leave.

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Slow Golfers

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude"
The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him."

[dramatic pause]

"Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group was silent for a moment.

The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

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Engineers and Glasses

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

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Clothes

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The first engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

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Retired Engineer

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired.

Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.

The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and stated, "This is where your problem is".

The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again.

The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded briefly:

One chalk mark: $1

Knowing where to put it: $49,999

It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.

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Fixing things

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet."

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Types of Engineers

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.

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Talking Frog

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called up to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess".
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool.

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Too Smart for His Own Good

They were leading a priest, a drunkard and an engineer to the guillotine. They asked the priest if he wanted to face up or down when he met his fate. The priest said that he would like to face up so he would be looking towards heaven when he died. They raised the blade of the guillotine, released it, it came speeding down and suddenly stopped just inches from his neck. The authorities took this as divine intervention and released the priest.

Next the drunkard came to the guillotine. He also decided to die face up hoping that he would be as fortunate as the priest. They raised the blade of the guillotine, released it, it came speeding down and suddenly stopped just inches from his neck. So they released the drunkard as well.

The engineer was next. He too decided to die facing up. They slowly raised the blade of the guillotine, when suddenly the engineer said, "Hey, I see what your problem is."

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You might be an engineer if . . .

. . . you have no life and can prove it mathematically.

. . . you enjoy pain.

. . . you know vector calculus but you can't remember how to do long division.

. . . you chuckle whenever anyone says “centrifugal force.”

. . . you've actually ever used every single function on your graphing calculator.

. . . when you look in the mirror, you see an engineering major.

. . . it is sunny and 70 degrees outside, and you are working on a computer.

. . . you frequently whistle the theme song to “MacGyver.”

. . . you always do homework on Friday nights.

. . . you know how to integrate a chicken and can take the derivative of water.

. . . you think in “math.”

. . . you've calculated that the World Series actually diverges.

. . . you hesitate to look at something because you don't want to break down its wave function.

. . . you have a pet named after a scientist.

. . . you laugh at jokes about mathematicians.

. . . the Humane Society has had you arrested because you actually performed the Schroedinger's Cat Experiment.

. . . you can translate English into Binary.

. . . you can't remember what's behind the door in the science building which says "Exit.”

. . . you have to bring a jacket with you, in the middle of summer, because there's a wind-chill factor in the lab.

. . . you are completely addicted to caffeine.

. . . you avoid doing anything because you don't want to contribute to the eventual heat-death of the universe.

. . . you consider any non-science course “easy.”

. . . when your professor asks you where your homework is, you claim to have accidentally determined its momentum so precisely, that according to Heisenberg it could be anywhere in the universe.

. . . the “fun” center of your brain has deteriorated from lack of use.

. . . you'll assume that a “horse” is a “sphere” in order to make the math easier.

. . . you can name 6 Star Trek episodes.

. . . you have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts.

. . . you've modified your can-opener to be microprocessor driven.

. . . you've ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance.

. . . you've a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work.

. . . your I.Q. number is bigger than your weight.

. . . the microphone or visual aids at a meeting don't work, and you rush up to the front to fix it.

. . . you can type 70 words a minute but can't read your own handwriting.

. . . you thought the real heroes of Apollo 13 were the mission controllers.

. . . you spend more time on your home computer than your car.

. . . you think that when people around you yawn, it's because they didn't get enough sleep.

. . . you know what http:/ stands for.

. . . you've ever tried to repair a $5.00 radio.

. . . your three year old son asks why the sky is blue and you try to explain atmospheric absorption theory.

. . . at Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find the burnt-out bulb in the string

. . . you have "Dilbert" comics displayed anywhere in your work area

. . . you carry on a one-hour debate over the expected results of a test that actually takes five minutes to run

. . . a team of you and your co-workers have set out to modify the antenna on the radio in your work area for better reception

. . . you are aware that computers are actually only good for playing games, but are afraid to say it out loud

. . . you see a good design and still have to change it

. . . the salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions

. . . you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires

. . . your favorite James Bond character is "Q".

. . . you take a cruise so you can go on a personal tour of the engine room.

. . . you think "cuddling" is simply an unproductive application of heat exchange

. . . you have trouble writing anything unless the paper has horizontal and vertical lines.

. . . you have more than one constant memorized.

. . . you understood more than five of the above.

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Q: What is the definition of an engineer?
A: Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had, in a way you don't understand.

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Q: How do you drive an engineer completely insane?
A: Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him, and fold up a road map the wrong way.

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A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer, and a software engineer are in a car that breaks down.
The mechanical engineer says: ''Maybe is's a stuck valve''.
The electical engineer says: ''Maybe it's a dead battery''.
The software engineer says: ''I know. Let's all get out and get back in again, and see if that fixes it''.

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What's the difference between an engineer and a computer scientist?

An engineer thinks there's 1000 bytes in a kilobyte, and a computer scientist thinks there's 1024 meters in a kilometer.

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An engineer and a programmer

A programmer and an engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from Los Angeles to New York.

The programmer leans over to the engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game.

The engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The programmer persists and explains that the game is real easy and is a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $5."

Again, the engineer politely declines and tries to get to sleep.

The programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "OK, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $100!"

This catches the engineer's attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game.

The programmer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The engineer doesn't say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the programmer.

Now, it's the engineer's turn. He asks the programmer "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?"

The programmer looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his co-workers--all to no avail.

After about an hour, he wakes the Engineer and hands him $100. The engineer politely takes the $100 and turns away to try to get back to sleep. The programmer, more than a little miffed, shakes the engineer and asks "Well, so what's the answer?" Without a word, the engineer reaches into his wallet, hands the programmer $5, and turns away to get back to sleep.

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Top Ten Reasons To Date an Engineer

The world does revolve around us... We pick the coordinate system.
Find out what those other buttons on your calculator do.
We know how to handle stress and strain in our relationships.
Parents will approve.
Help with your math homework.
Can calculate head pressure.
Looks good on a resume.
Free body diagrams.
High starting salary.
Extremely good looking

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Top Ten Reasons NOT to Date an Engineer

T-shirt and jeans are their formal dress. Hot dog and a six-pack is their seven-course meal.
The only social life known of is to post and talk on the net.
Flames like a monster and speaks like a pussycat.
Works from 6:30am to 7:30pm daily. No morning kisses and no evening walks.
No matter how hard you cry and how loud you yell, he just sits there calmly discussing your emotion in terms of mathematical logic.
Only listens to classic rock. Hates everything from Bach to Prince.
Touches his computer more often than you.
Talks in acronyms.
Can't leave that damn pencil off his ear for a minute.
Will file a divorce if you call him in the middle of debugging.

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More Reasons to Date an Engineer

Complimentary Tutoring
Large Earning Potential
Can handle stress and strain in relationships
Know all the dynamics of relative motion
Learn about the benefits of friction and viscosity
FREE body diagrams
Always back up their hard drives
Trained to do it right the first time
Specialized in experimentation
Can go all night with no hint of fatigue

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"You can't spell Geek without EE."

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The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"

The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"

The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"

The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

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A Software Engineer, a Hardware Engineer and a Departmental Manager were on their way to a meeting in Switzerland. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car failed. The car careened almost out of control down the road, bouncing off the crash barriers, until it miraculously ground to a halt scraping along the mountainside. The car's occupants, shaken but unhurt, now had a problem: they were stuck halfway down a mountain in a car with no brakes. What were they to do?

"I know", said the Departmental Manager, "Let's have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and by a process of Continuous Improvement find a solution to the Critical Problems, and we can be on our way."

"No, no", said the Hardware Engineer, "That will take far too long, and besides, that method has never worked before. I've got my Swiss Army knife with me, and in no time at all I can strip down the car's braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we can be on our way."

"Well", said the Software Engineer, "Before we do anything, I think we should push the car back up the road and see if it happens again."

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A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were in a hotel for a convention. In the middle of the first night, for no apparent reason, a fire breaks out in the engineer's wastebasket. The engineer rushes over to the bathroom, empties out the ice bucket, fills it with water and pours it into the trash can, dousing the fire. Satisfied that the problem was solved, the engineer goes back to sleep. In the middle of the second night, a fire breaks out in the physicist's wastebasket. The physicist whips out his calculator and a note pad, frantically does a few computations, rushes to the bathroom, pulls out a cup, fills it to a precisely measured level, and rushes back to the wastebasket, pouring the water onto the fire. As the last drop hits the flame, the fire goes out. Satisfied that the problem was solved, the physicist goes back to sleep. Finally, a fire breaks out in the mathematician's room. The mathematician rushes to the bathroom, sees the ice bucket, sees a cup, sees the water faucet. He takes out his calculator and a note pad and calmly does the computations, working out exactly how much water is needed to put out a fire of that size. Satisfied that the problem is solved, he goes back to sleep.

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Top Ten Things Engineering School didn't Teach You

There are at least 10 types of capacitors.
Theory tells you how a circuit works, not why it doesn't work.
Not everything works according to the specs in the databook.
Anything practical you learn will be obsolete before you use it, except the complex math, which you will never use.
Engineering is like having an 8 a.m. class and a late afternoon lab every day for the rest of your life.
Overtime pay? What overtime pay?
Managers, not engineers, rule the world.
Always try to fix the hardware with software.
If you like junk food, caffeine and all-nighters, go into software.
Dilbert is not a comic strip, it's a documentary.

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Engineers do it with precision.
Electrical engineers are shocked when they do it.
Electrical engineers do it on an impulse.
Electrical engineers do it with large capacities.
Electrical engineers do it with more frequency and less resistance.
Electrical engineers do it with more power and at higher frequency.
Mechanical engineers do it with stress and strain.
Mechanical engineers do it with less energy and greater efficiency.
Chemical Engineers do it in fluidized beds.
City planners do it with their eyes closed.
Petroleum engineers do it with lubrication.
Reservoir engineers do it thorougly and with lot of simulation.
Drilling engineers do it with smooth penetration aided by lubrication, frequent short wiper trips, and at the end, slug is pumped before they pull out.

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Pick-Up Lines to Use on Engineering Girls

I won´t stop bugging you until I get the address of your home page.
You fascinate me more than the Fundamental Theorem of Calculus.
Since distance equals velocity times time, let´s let velocity and time approach infinity, because I want to go all the way with you.
My love for you is like a concave up function because it is always increasing.
Let´s convert our potential energy to kinetic energy.
Wanna come back to my room?....and see my 166Mhz Pentium?
How about you and I go back to my place and form a covalent bond?
You and I would add up better than a Riemann Sum.
You´re sweeter than glucose.
We´re as compatible as two similar Power Macintoshes.
Why don´t we measure the coefficient of static friction between you and me?
Wanna see the programs in my HP-48GX?
Your body has the nicest arc length I´ve ever seen.
Isn´t your e-mail address beautifulgirl@mydreams.com
You´re hotter than a bunsen burner set to full!
Y ou´re the enter key on my TI-89, baby.

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Advantage to dating an Engineer:

If you´re into money, you have 3 main choices: Doctor, Lawyer, or Engineer. If you marry a doctor, most likely he´ll work bad hours and you´ll have a good few years but he´ll eventually run off with some good looking patient of his. Don´t want that. You could marry a Lawyer, this might last for a while, but he´ll probably dump you for his young good looking secretary. Plus he´ll take you for every dime you ever make. Definitely not good. How about an engineer? You´ll be financially stable and I bet he´ll love you a lot and never stray. You know the no. one reason I can assure this? He´ll probably never even see another woman in the workplace if he´s an engineer!

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Advantages to being a girl in Engineering

You never have to complain about not having any guy friends (instead you complain you never have any friends that are girls)
Never ever ever a line for the bathroom, probably the one place on earth where the men´s bathroom is used more than the womens
No catfights (an occasional brawl, but you won´t be involved, just sit back and watch)
All the professors know your face and your name
All the guys know who you are
Never a lack of guys
Someone will always have a solution to any technical problem you have.
Cars, Cars, Cars
Have you seen the bathrooms?????
Guys want to be your partner in group projects and want to sit next to you in class, because "hey I get to be the next to the girl"
When someone yells, "hey girl," you´re pretty sure it´s you.
Lots of single guys if you´re looking for someone, some very good looking ones too
It´s awesome when your guy friends won´t stop for directions if they´re lost but WILL call you for help if they have problems with homework.
Drama free, or near drama free friendships, and those with drama aren´t worth it, plenty plenty plenty more interesting people to meet
Boys with money and fun technology they are willing to share (love the plasma tv and overly monsterous computers)
You never get yelled at for taking something apart, it´s required
You get to be a minority, minority = scholarship money ..... hehehe
Guys actually hold doors open for you and are nice to you for no apparent reason

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